loop station

Though I'm back where I've started from, this blog is not gonna end just because I made it back home. Maybe here is where the real trouble begins, because I yet have to prove that I can make it in the western world, survive the glimmering shine of consumerism and not get tangled up in the illusion of possibilities, or get lost in the maze of possesions. I didn't expect the world of comfort to bore me so quickly, or to reveal it's dead-end-nature to me at this point already. One week of being back in Germany, and already bored of traffic lights, scheduled trains and first world problems. Seriously?

If it wasn't for friends and family, I hadn't had a reason to come back, this is honest. What does Germany have to offer to me, especialy in winter? Except for cheap, great beer, convenient health insurance and Weihnachtsmärkte? I mean, what I can I get my satisfaction from, after the good cheese, chocolate and humoristic sarcasm? I thought I have to go back and get a job, to show the world I'm serious about being a helpful part of society, when actually I'm too young to be reasonable. Yes, I want a family, and yes, I want at least something to rely on, but am I ready for this trade? I guess I always have a choice, I could go traveling again if I really wanted. But I've been craving friends and family for a reason, I needed to recharge. Now that I've met them, during christmas and before, seeing them all hapy to see me, is this it? Was this really just an ego thing, to see if anybody misses me and prove I'm worth something? Hello, who is this helping? Not me!

See, this is why I hate growing up, when you realise it's ALL up to you, how happy you are, or sad, or angry, or whatever, but in the end you're in control! Because, who's gonna keep you from achieving what you really want? Only yourself, indeed, doesn't this suck somehow?
Not really, since we're all human, we're meant to fail, to learn, to go beyond where our little brains thought we could go, and our hearts have always desired.

And yes, I'm writing this while listening to my favourite music and thinking about my appointment at the job center tomorrow, deciding about how much money I'm gonna get for not working. I'm a lucky bastard who has as much loving parents, friends, family as anyone can deserve and yet dares to complain about life lacking something. Well, if this doesn't prove, only you can make yourself happy, I don't know what could. So thanks to April and white wine for pointing this out to me!

 This is the song I'd been looking for. Thanks, Tom, for my new ohrwurm.

PS: You know you're back in Germany when... you start complaining! Everybody here always seems to have something to moan about, but so far I've kept my inner calmness and smile away most of the trouble. And that's the point: there is no real trouble. Today, about a couple of days later from my words above, I know what's missing. The difficulties. The unknown of every day. And the green.
Maybe I'm not made for the organized comforts of the modern world anymore, since I feel I'm longing for challenges, not for distraction. Maybe I won't find my future here and I'll be gone again soon to keep looking. Maybe I just need a job and get back into ultimate to make good use of my energy... Anyhow, we know time will tell and, besides, I should take action.

and then... shit got real!

Sometimes when I re-read a blog post, I wonder if anybody even understands half of the things I'm talking about, because I'm changing subjects and perspectives faster than politicians change their mind after elections. Guess I should take less drugs when writing, or more, but the current amount is inefficient... Oh yeah, and stepping on the brakes of sarcasm would help, too.

Anyways, because I care about you readers and don't only wanna use this as an online diary to be read back home with a continuous deep long sigh, I will make an extra effort to be clear. And maybe, post more pictures.

So, since it's been very hectic at the end of my travels, I gotta catch up with some things. First of all, the place I miss most... Hawaii, right, got my mind set on you. I mean, I'm slowly getting over it, because life in NYC or Burlington was never dull. And yet I'm already checking flights back to Hilo... Before I got to Hawaii, I thought it would just be another holiday destination with some comfortably high numbers on the thermometer, but then... shit got real. May this be the last effort to try and tell about the beautiful craziness I dealt with on a daily basis in Cinderland, leading to a new perspectives and priorities in life.

I'm gonna continue were I stopped last time, based on my journal writing from Dec 4th: it's about happiness.

Of course I get a little scared being too content when knowing things are constantly changing. We've invented time, and gave the time in between sunrise and sunset names that we repeat every seven of them, to get this feeling of control and organization. But it only masks the fact that no day is ever the same. We're all constantly learning, feeling and moving, no matter which direction, we're just never still. And at a place like Cinderland, I've noticed this more than anywhere, having so much undefined time on my hands.

camping trip, Volcano NP

simple, smart, waterproof

Catha, Steffen, Lia, Tom

So change becomes the only constant in life we can completely rely on, which again is scary and exciting at once. Oh yes, life has always been this paradox, and for a long time, it was the only perception of life I had: the extremes. Most of my time on earth, my reality had been divided in right and wrong, black and white, happy and sad; until I moved further away to get a broader perspective. It was hard to let go, set out and travel, move away from all my comforts, starting off into the unknown. Man, I missed my friends! And as much as I love traveling, it sometimes takes a lot to be on the road. Still, the reward is huge, I had many great teachers, not only in Cinderland, opening new doors for me, to look at my life from a new perspective. That's how I encountered a lot of things in between the extremes. I learned about my ego and how to deal with it, sometimes controlling it and other times just watching myself being controlled by it. And because everything is constantly changing, the extremes have changed, too, and with that in mind I became less attached to certain people, certain feelings, certain goods. (at least in theory)

camping on Ho'okena Beach

Ho'okena lunch

dinner

Also I started looking critically at labels and categories I was used to, like nationality, gender, age and so on. Living at Cinderland and usually hanging out with guys who are quite a bit older and yet having as much fun as with people my age, reminded me that a person is a lot more than one of their categories. That's important to me since I don't want to be perceived exclusively as a women, German, hippie, younameit. And that's why I would love to live in a community, to experience to whole range of humanity with all it's diversity. Of course it takes some compromises but in the long term, I believe I'll profit from so many different relationships.

breakfast in shorts, Dec 1st

surfing with Adam, Dec 1st

posing in the sand, Dec 1st

Here people seem to take care of each other. After a couple of weeks, when I felt down, I could totally walk over to one of the men and lean on his shoulder and cry a bit. In a community, there's always someone to hang out with, basically it never gets boring. Oh yeah, there's a lot of drama, like anywhere else, because that's what humans do. And part of what makes me feel so happy here is, that for every fight, all the yelling and mean words, there are twice as many hugs and "I love you". To have both of these energies in a community, the destructive and loving one, makes it genuine for me. I much rather be with openly struggling people saying they need a beer every day to not feel bad, than with those denying their problems and pretending, just because they have a job and a car everything's alright. (please excuse my simple words, my b&w painting here, but I'm trying to proof a point)

lava stone and palm trees: that's Hawaii

jumping off into "The World's End"

camping crew's goodbye at the cliffs

I know Cinderland isn't perfect, there are huge problems here, on many levels. People come and go, some get kicked out, there isn't a valid system in place to run the community. Yet. So living there would be a trade: the freedom to live outside and live out my personality, but letting go of a certain security and order. Even though I think it's the best way for people to live in communities, I know it wouldn't make everybody happy. I only wish more people had the chance to try and then make a conscious decision about their live style.

hanging out in the dorm

snorkeling at the tide pools 

Cody, Lia, Tom at the tide pools

As I've said before, Cinderland (and even Hawaii) is such a different world, it's hard for anyone anywhere else to imagine how good it feels for me, to be sitting on a couch under an open roof, listening to the sound of the banana leaves in the wind, feeling the warm temperatures on my bare arms and legs, seeing people walking by the dorm through the non-existing doors and windows. A place like this, so plentiful, green and alive, makes it easy to do without certain comforts. I don't mind squatting over a hole when doing my business, as long as I can see the palm trees in the sun, or hear the mating frogs at night. And thanks to the person, who ALWAYS refilled the toilet paper, so that every single time I needed some I had some. Awesome.

the woods in between Cinderland and Pahoa

with the magically beautiful trees

full moon over the lava rocks

I don't really know if life here is better or even if a future in any kind of community would be the better choice for me, so I will go back home and try to live my old life in new ways.

(written Dec 4th)

~~~****~~~

The End Of Moving 

Soundtrack for the end of my travels - as I made it home in one piece two days ago.

1. The War On Drugs - Red Eyes. A band a friend of mine knew and that just seems to get big. I love their style.

2. Grateful Dead - Friend Of The Devil. We listened a lot them in Cinderland, on those rare occasions we had 'canned' music. Late but lovely discovery for me.

3. Jake Bugg - Simple As This. As I love new artists who sound like the old ones and yet new, this boy got me. Makes me think of sunshine.

4. The National - Fake Empire. One of those bands proofing that America has tons of fantastic music I have yet to discover. So I keep listening to KCRW (Los Angeles), WERS (Boston) and KEXP (Seattle).

5. Grace Potter & The Nocturnals - Stars. Great band from Vermont, that we heard at a festival at the lake. I remember the moon over the water that night, and the stars, when they played that song.

6. London Grammar - Strong. I've posted another song of this cool band before, but this one makes me shiver. Heard it about a dozen times on journey from Boston to Frankfurt.

7. Graffiti6 - Over You. This travels has been a lot about loving and leaving so many friends, and this is a beautiful love song.
8. Kopecky Family Band - Are You Listening. It sounds like I'm in a car on a road trip, without a destination but with friends on the back seat, sun in their hair, looking at the rolling hills.
9. The Mynabirds - Numbers Don't Lie. I've chosen this great song until I've found out the name of the fantastic song we've always heard in the car on our trips around Cinderland.
10. Vance Joy -  Riptide. Puts the beats to my memories of all the fun at Cinderland, of Kahena Sundays and our camping trip.
Bonus: Pete Townshend - Save It For Later (live). Simply appropriate for the end of the end of moving.

(t)here

\\sometime in late Nov:\\

Looking down at my arms and legs, it looks a little bit like I've been in a war. When all I tried to do was cutting some cane grass and walking around Cinderland, jumping over paletts. Luckily I was wearing long pants, despite the heat, so I got some bruises but no staph infection... As mentioned before, I love using the cold outdoor shower in the back of my dorm, under the palm trees, watching mongeese running by. These f***ers, they managed to break into our food save (read: wooden cupboard) and ate all the bread I'd baked before. In this climate it's more than easy, conditions are perfect for the dough to rise. The last two Mondays in a row we had pizza night because it's so cheap, simple, tasty and feeds a lot of people!
Luckily we have almost no mosquitoes because Jezus is searching Cinderland for potential and actual breeding places (any little amount of stagnant water) and destroys them. At night the air is filled with the sounds of frogs...

That's how far I got last time I tried to post. I can't believe there was a time not even a week ago when I had to hitchhike to town to go online and therefor used the internet only every five days or so. It's Sunday today, which means it's Kahena beach day...

Yeah, in my mind, I'm still in Hawaii. For once on this trip around the world I had booked a flight further in advance than just a couple of weeks, and let me tell you: it sucked. For all the places I've been to, it had never felt so wrong to leave, it wasn't my time yet. All I wanted was to stay, just for another week at Cinderland! Instead I came to cold on rainy New York City on a lonely Fri night, lost an earring on the way to the hostel that wasn't only dirty but had no computers, got helped by a handful of great people and then found out that Bhava wasn't gonna come to explore the Big Apple with me. But at the same time I felt lost, I knew I was gonna be ok... at some point.

balloons in Brooklyn

And now I'm sitting in another hostel, very clean, with a public computer, and on top of that: great people for interesting and profound conversations, though we've just met the same day. I had needed somebody to get involved with, feeling like I was just floating around, and since I'd opened up to the possibility of new encounters, it happened faster than I could say, "thanks universe - and oh wow is it already St Nicolaus Day?" So after this rugged start I'm having a fantastic time in NYC, I even got my ass out the door and saw

Only today I'm staying in because we were all hanging out in the hostel, chatting, playing music to each other and after another try of recharging, suddenly my mp3 player worked again. I knew it!!! All this time after it broke in the wet climate of Puna side, I was convinced I'll be able to use it again one day. So Dec 8th will now be "almost christmas" for me, it's like diving into a lake after 3 weeks in the desert!




Anyways, it obviously felt like it was the wrong decision to come to NYC, whereas 'wrong' only means the less comfortable one. It's obviously nicer and cheaper being in Hawaii but there had been a reason back then, that made me come here and I won't regret anything, so I open eyes, ears and heart to learn my lessons in the big city. While my Cinderland friends will play in the waves on the black sand of Kahena, I'll be watching my new hostel friends performing at a private show tonight somewhere in Manhattan. It's always a trade, I know that, and for now all I have are the great memories of incredible days and nights in the jungle and a life without time or stress. I believe it'll make me happy for a long time from now.

A lot of times in the past three weeks, I got to acknowledge how I was truly happy. It's both wonderful and a little scary to realize how fulfilling life can be, when in the same moment of appreciation an anxiety kicks in, about possibly loosing this happiness. But then again these positive feelings are precious because they are rare in such intensity, and it all makes sense. 

\\written Dec 4th\\

even in the sad moments like leaving Hilo, life made me laugh